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Cleveland Browns

Commentary On The Latest Football News (5/5/15)

Twitter @FFMetrics

 

Post-draft, there is always a little lull in football happenings. So when a roto-site or NFL news aggregator picks a random story and shapes it within a 2-4 sentence slanted blurb–it can become a  sudden story of epic Fantasy proportion…because we’re all starved for football snacks in May-June. I will comb the latest news and give my quick (or not so quick) take on them daily over the next few weeks. In addition, some/most days the ever popular ‘things that aggravate me’ will be below the daily football takes. We need a sponsor for ‘things that aggravate me’, as it is a popular feature, and very cathartic for me…and we want to help business in America, mainly ours…which is also in America, so if interested–contact us. 

 

The news that caught my eye on 5/5/15:

 — The 49ers drafted TEs Blake Bell and Rory Anderson. The already had Vernon Davis, Derek Carrier, and Vance McDonald. Carrier was just inked to a deal…so, potentially, one of Vernon Davis or Vance McDonald is likely gone this year…my early bet is Davis.

Imagine if Davis is/goes on the trade block…imagine the frenzy (especially if it is whispered this summer). Imagine the Packers inking Vernon Davis. In a world where the NFL Draft had little to offer in the way of TEs, Vernon Davis should/could be a hot commodity. However, right now, he is his usual buried alive on the depth chart with a QB who doesn’t throw much to the TE. You want a low Dynasty investment player today, who could be a feeding frenzy on trade rumors weeks from now…what about Vernon Davis?

If the 49ers keep four talented TEs on the roster (Davis, McDonald, Bell, Carrier), then all four of them are about FF-useless for 2015.

I still believe that Vance McDonald could be some team’s poor man’s Gronk, but because the NFL has no vision for such things because they are too busy hyperventilating over their new rookies added and cutting a bevy of failed ones they drafted over the past three years (why isn’t this questioned more?)—so likely there will be no clever deal for McDonald in the works by any other team.

…likely there will be no clever Vernon Davis deal either.

I do not possess enough vocabulary to explain how much better of a TE prospect Vance McDonald is than Richard Rodgers. One of them will never be mentioned this year, and the other will be droned on as a Fantasy sleeper all summer. Guess which is which…

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 — The Cleveland Browns are so close to relevance, but yet so far away. How in the world could they be excited about announcing yesterday that Josh McCown is their starting QB? The QB from the team that earned the #1 pick in the draft for 2015, who went 1-10 in his starts last season…he is starting today, and the Browns are proud of this? Get those season ticket forms in ASAP.

McCown is 17-32 as a starter in his career with a lifetime tally of 61 TD/59 INT. He’ll be 36 years-old to start the season. This (McCown) + Johnny Manziel is your grand plan? On purpose?

How do the Browns not bring in another QB from the 2015 NFL Draft? It’s unconscionable. Even if seen as flawed…Hundley or Petty…why not throw a dart, since your purposed dart throws have been so unbelievably bad for decades. The Browns had a million picks this year, and felt the need to draft Duke Johnson, but not a QB…why? Why not a QB lottery ticket in there?

I’m sure bad-to-mediocre NFL teams ditching McCown-Bowe-Hartline is a great sign for Cleveland’s 2015. A team with a terrific defense and a solid O-Line is going to play 1970s style ‘running too much to protect the QB and eat clock’ football again, and not make the playoffs again because they have no QB…and QB IS EVERYTHING!!!

They get what they deserve…they will reap what they have sown—a 7-9 team that could have won the division with any spark at QB. Connor Shaw…where are you to save the day!

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OK, here’s what is aggravating me today (actually the past few weeks). Sponsored by (your company here)…

Has anyone seen that commercial where the soccer trophy is talking to the lady about rolling over her 401K?

To me, it’s not an obscure commercial. I mean, that thing is on all the time, every channel…it refuses to cycle away. I watch CNBC most all morning, every weekday…so I know I’m going to get a healthy dose of it, but I saw it during the NFL Draft coverage several times, and random other places as well.

Now, here’s what is maddening about it…

This commercial is so patronizing to women. This lady is sitting in a beautiful house…which is perfectly clean without a thing out of place, like all our houses…amiright? She’s obviously done well for herself. Spacious, modern home. Amazing view out of her windows. Perfectly designed kitchen out of a magazine. Clean, tasteful furniture. She has a fantastic life, it seems, and one that affords her to sit quietly in her living room and read her iPad fully dressed for work/going on a date—because that’s how woman roll. She’s obviously not going anywhere anytime soon, because (spoiler alert) at the end of this, the talking soccer trophy is going to convince her on the error of her financial ways—so she’s launching right after her smartphone to call to roll over her 401K posthaste. She’s got time, apparently.

She has this fantastic, picturesque house…and part of her tasteful design on a perfectly organized book shelf display in her living room is an old, nondescript soccer trophy? This lady is somewhere between 25 and 55 years-old; I’m not really sure…she could go either way. Whatever she is, she’s obviously intelligent because she’s wearing smart-looking glasses….and has a utopian home…and has a 401K to rollover.

Actually, I thought she was super-smart, and someone I should look to model myself after…until I realized she is a secret megalomaniac who is proudly, oddly, bizarrely displaying a soccer trophy one would get like when your six-years old.

What rational adult is displaying their old youth soccer trophy as a centerpiece in a $500K+ dwelling?

If I had just started dating her, and really liked her, and was still trying to figure out if he she was of an age that she is still insurable under her parent’s health insurance…or if she was closer to collecting social security (because I’m still not sure)–and she invited me over to her home, and she showed me the kitchen, and the sweet natural views, and beautiful art–and then I saw her old soccer trophy on display prominently in the living room…I’d be like, “I gotta go. I gotta thing I forgot. I think the NFL Draft has an extra round going today…a secret one that not many people know about. Later.”

If she was Mia Hamm, and it was like MVP of the soccer universe trophy…OK, I put that out on display, maybe. Brandy Chastain can put her sports bra under glass in the living room…I’ll accept an amazing iconic achievement centerpiece for visitors to gawk at, but this lady in the commercial—this is like an Upward soccer trophy only 4-8 million other kids have received…and 99.8% of them are all lost in a box somewhere. Not hers…hers is front and center!

Think I’m jumping to rash conclusions about her mindset? Right next to the ancient, unmarked/unlabeled soccer trophy is the Upward-ish, unmarked/unlabeled cheerleading trophy…and it’s talking to her too.

That’s not the worst of it.

The commercial’s ‘clever’ slug line through the whole piece is: “You got this.”

For the love of God, people of earth, can we give “You got this” a rest? I almost made it through my entire life without anyone saying this to anyone about anything. Now I hear it fifty times a day. Last night, at my kid’s baseball game, the count on “You got this” screech’s from the parents out to the players during the game…over/under three hundred and twelve.

I have to say, I think 288 of the 312 “You got this” bleats were from moms and sisters and girlfriends…so the commercial’s producers have obviously done their research.

My message is clear: Women of earth…”You got this” is the new “You go girl.” Please cease and desist.

Men of earth: I think we started this phrase a few years ago, for some reason. It was something we said to encourage another male about to do something really stupid…like, “Mike, you got this. It’s just a simple jump off this balcony into the hotel’s outdoor pool. Come on. Don’t think about it too much. Just do it! You got this, man!” Guys, know that it is now well past its expiration date and been watered-down…and beaten to death…and it’s been hijacked by mostly females uttering it. “Come on Timmy, you got this!”…as Timmy braces himself mightily in the batter’s box staring at a baseball on a rubber tee.  

Next time you attend a kid’s soccer, or baseball, etc. game this week—count for me how many times anyone shouts “You got this” to the players, and tell me if I am lying about this national phenomena/scourge I am trying to stop from spreading any further.

 

 

R.C. Fischer is an NFL Draft analyst for College Football Metrics.com, and a football projections analyst and writer for Fantasy Football Metrics.com. He is also a lead writer for ‘Play The Draft.com’. His group also provides player projections for Advanced Sports Logic’s football software “The Machine.” See “The Machine” here: The Machine via FFM

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